Wednesday, August 27, 2014

"Is it truly worth it?" Questions of the mind

Hello my lovelies!

I feel like I need to talk about unhappiness today. It has been a while since I last felt very unhappy. I know I have said in my previous posts that I wasn't always happy living abroad, but this is something different. This is the unhappiness that just drains you of every any energy you have left.

I realize that this isn't a positive post, because unhappiness is not usually what people want to talk about, or hear about. And because it is ignored so heavily, I sometimes feel like it is a must to share it. Otherwise, how will you move on from it and seek happiness? So many people talk about closure, but not many encourage talking about unhappiness. The source of so many people's pain is unhappiness, or hatred, or envy, or whatever comes to mind. Why do we not channel these feelings, and open up about it? Why do we shun those who feel the need to venture into this emotion? Sometimes I believe that angst is what keeps us from talking about it. The fear of losing ourselves in those feelings again. I have seen what true unhappiness can do to someone. I was one of those people. I knew exactly what was going on. I saw my life turn into something I didn't like, but instead of doing something about it, I sat back and let it take over. About 3 years ago I started losing myself. My zest for life was diminishing, and my idea of the life I wanted had disappeared. I stopped caring about my school (and eventually dropped out), I wore the same outfit every day, and acted like this new lifestyle was an acceptable one. Some part of me knew that I was wrong, and wanted to change, but I was stuck in a life where there was a lousy routine, the same crowd of people with the same lifestyle. I had pretty much given myself up to this. My mom noticed it right away, and started pushing me to get out of it. And soon after it was the rest of the family. One of the main reasons why I moved to Holland was because of this. Because my lifestyle there would have ruined me. Do you know what it feels like to look back now, and see that I have done nothing for myself in the 2 years before moving out here? It is a horrible feeling. So many of my old classmates have already graduated, created a new life for themselves where they don't have to lean on their parents for help. I hate it that my parents still have to take care of me. I hate it that I can't get a job and support myself. The disappointment that I have for myself is overwhelming sometimes. Of course I don't let it take over my day, but it does flood my mind from time to time.
I had this image when I was 8 years old, about how I would be at 24. I remember it clearly, just me and my friends sitting in the trunk of one of my friend's mother's station wagon, discussing our futures like it was right around the corner. I had this vision of having my degree, a good job, my own place to live, a car in the driveway and maybe a partner. No problems, no worries. Just me having a normal adult life. If I knew at 8 years old that I would be living in a house with two strangers, no car, no degree, and too many worries, I would most likely be disappointed and confused. The reason why I wanted to talk about unhappiness is because it is a powerful emotion. People do not realize this, or they do not want to realize this. Our brains are programmed to see the negative before the positive. This is why it is so difficult for us sometimes to think positive. Like anyone with unhappiness would tell you: "It is easier said than done." It is easier to just simply say these words, but when the act of actually doing so is in front of you, the mind immediately goes to the negative. It immediately tells you that you can't, and that it is not worth it, or may only help for a minute and then you're stuck in your awful thoughts again. The mind is a dangerous and powerful thing. It can bring the best people down. It can break you to the point where self help is useless. And the worst part is that we have the ability to control it. We can train our brains to counteract negative thoughts. We can conjure up happy thoughts and healthy activities to sustain these thoughts. But it is all by the strength of ourselves. The power we have inside us, that little voice that screams the truth at us. That is what, I believe, can save us from ourselves. Now, don't get me wrong. This little voice can also scream out bad things, and this is where rationality kicks in. Is it worth not going out of the house? Is it worth not facing our partner after a fight? Is it worth being afraid? I notice I may be rambling, but these are the nights where my mind starts racing, and I start asking myself so many questions. I can read books about psychology, and how the mind acts and reacts to every day things. I can follow a lecture about human behavior, and how it varies among people and why. But the mind is never satisfied. The mind needs more once it has been opened up. The moment you start seeing life as it truly is, is the moment you know that one lifetime is not enough. That there is too much we have yet to learn but not enough time to do so. I will probably read this tomorrow and think "nah, what a bunch of crap", but carpe diem! Seize the day, seize the knowledge that you so secretly desire. I know I can keep typing, and telling and sharing, but... But what? There is no answer to this, no way of finishing that sentence. Life is a strange thing, emotions are even stranger.

Unhappiness is the fault of many things. Sometimes it takes a crazy mind race to set this off. All I want to say is just go for what you think you would never go for. Do whatever scares you. I never thought I would actually move to Holland, because it was always a dream, a fantasy. And I did it. I was scared sh*tless, I'm not going to lie, but I did it. I did it for myself, because I knew that I deserved it, and owed it to my 8 year old self. My great-grandfather used to always say that age was just a number, and I try to remind myself of this everyday. So what if I sit in a class with a bunch of 18 year olds? I have the upper hand, because I have already gone through the whole college thing, and I have somewhat more life experience than them. This isn't a challenge for me anymore. This is just something else I have to do in life to get to where I want to be.

Anyway, I have come to many realizations in the past few months, and I felt like this post was necessary. Right now though, at this very moment, my mind feels like a balloon that has slowly deflated and is now flat. School is starting in less than a week, and if something worth telling happens, you will definitely read about it. I hope this post means something to someone, and sheds light on a bit of life.

Have a good day, or night, wherever you are. And be safe!

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