Thursday, May 15, 2014

People-pleasing, my take on it

Hello my lovelies!

It feels like forever, and it kind of has been. Seeing that my last post was in March doesn't sit well with me, but I just haven't been feeling it lately. I have been going through some issues, regarding a feud between two people I care about deeply. I'm not going to get into it, because it is between them. I just happened to have gotten all the details, and pushed to give my opinion on it (which I honestly did not want to do, because I knew that one of them would get upset - which happened). Either way, today I want to talk about people-pleasing, and if it is ever a good thing.

As a kid, I didn't have this problem. I never felt obligated to please anyone, and just did whatever I felt was right. My parents, for as long as I can remember, have always told me to follow my heart and listen to my gut. And I have tried to apply that to my everyday life. Of course there have been times where I didn't listen to my gut and ended up regretting it, or feeling really guilty about it. (Eventually everyone has to learn from their mistakes, right?) The reason I want to talk about this topic today, is because I have been feeling like I keep doing things to please others, and because if this I haven't been the happiest. I recently decided to stop eating junk food for the whole of May, but because of this whole thing between my friends, I broke my own promise. And it sucks! Why should other people's problems become an issue for me, especially when it concerns my health and diet? Honestly, wouldn't life be easier if people's problems were just kept between the ones who are involved? Seriously, yes! C'est la vie. We can't do much about how others are. We can, luckily, adjust our lives to how we like it, even if it means kicking a few people out (over time of course, I'm not recommending anyone to just exclude someone overnight. That would be cruel!)

Okay, but let's get back to my main topic. I became aware of my doing about 3 years ago. I knew I did it before, but it wasn't noticeable. Now, on the other hand, I feel like I need to restrain myself from doing what others want from me. It all comes down to the fact that I have changed a little since I moved to Holland. I can't help it, change from living in a foreign country is inevitable. It happens to a lot of people. Okay, this is where I want to be completely honest and just spill the beans about the issue between my 2 friends, but because it is not my story to tell, I will respect them and leave it out of my blog. But what I can say is that ever since it happened, I feel like I need to adjust my ways for each person, and I am getting sick of it. If they can't accept me for who I have become, then they can go wash their asses (sorry papa, but it just fit in with what i wanted to say haha! You'd say it too, I bet.) I am who I am. I have my opinions on what happened between them, and they might not agree, but who cares? It happened, it's in the past, and everyone needs to get over it.

About three years ago, I started noticing that I pleased others just so they would like me. I think it came from my best friend moving abroad and me not really having anyone left to talk to. Nothing really felt the same anymore, and I was scared that if I did or say something wrong, that people wouldn't want to be around me. The funny thing is that on the days where I wasn't pleasing anyone, people would say I'm different, and very quiet. Goes to show how fast people judge you on your behavior. It got so bad at one point that I would think so much before saying something, and predetermine in my head what the person would say, that I would end up not saying anything. I still do this sometimes, but I'm learning to let go. I would dress differently, or get really lazy with my things, or just act differently just so they wouldn't think I'm weird. Ugh, the things people do for acceptance! Before I came to Holland, my people pleasing had gotten less. About two weeks before I had to leave, I started getting anxiety attacks. I couldn't sleep, or eat, or drink. I felt horrible, and my best friend was not supportive. She would tell me to go see a doctor because what I was feeling, she did not consider normal. I didn't take her advice. Instead what I did, I went to a woman, Cheraldine Osepa. She reads people, and helps them with the use of holistic activities. I sat with her, and my mom, and we talked about an hour about everything that I was feeling. At the end, she told me that what I was feeling was normal, and that I shouldn't worry. She taught me an exercise that I still use on my anxious days. I believe I explained this exercise in one of my previous posts. Anyways, I came out from that session feeling lighter, and like my eyes had finally opened. I started seeing the true colors of many people around me. Unfortunately, I lost this realization about a few months ago. I am someone who gives chances way too much, usually to people who have disappointed me countless times (despite the fact of how long or short our friendship was). Whenever someone is mean to me, or shares her opinion is a harsh manner, I cave a little and go into my shell. I'm kind of like a turtle. When hit with confrontation, depends from who, I shy away and become very careful with whatever I say or do to that person. I agree with them even when I think they are being stupid and childish and need to grow the hell up, just because I don't want them to get mad at me again. One thing that keeps popping up in my mind right now is when a friend of mine told me (and take note that this was after I had cried while opening up about how I felt with everything - let's face it, it takes a toll on someone when they need to face life on their own with no one really there to back them up) that I should best just go back home because after all, I don't seem to be fitting in anyway. Fitting in?! Really? Since when is it a priority to fit in, in a country? Nothing made sense. I sat there just thinking, "and this is supposed to be my friend?" I did not come all this way just so she can get the satisfaction of having the feeling of being right. But, honey, I ain't leaving! I busted my butt getting to where I am now. To some it may seem like nothing, and to others it may seem like a lot. I just want to remind people that I did it all on my own. No previous knowledge of how to deal with the bank, or landlords, or a strange country in general. The moment I stepped off that airplane, I changed, and it would mean the world to me if certain people would acknowledge it, and say that they did not expect it from me but are happy I took the plunge.

What it all comes down to is that we need to be ourselves. Old friends, new friends, strangers on the street, it doesn't matter. They should accept you for you are, and for who you are becoming. People grow up, they evolve, they mature. It is a way of life. If someone can't get used to the new you, then maybe they shouldn't be in your life. There are 7 billion other people on this planet. Don't let 1 person ruin your life, just because they don't agree. I take it upon myself, right here and now, to be myself. I want to make this promise with all of you reading this, to be the best version of me. I might not be at my happiest now, and more changes are coming my way soon, but I will not let this keep me from being me.

I feel like I have pretty much opened a gate and let all the words run out. Alright my darlings, I am going to stop here. It is already night time in Holland, and my tummy is speaking to me. Thank you for reading my post, and if you have anything to share, or just want to leave something nice for me to read, feel free to comment. I will hopefully write again soon. I started making a list of everything I want to write about in the future, so there is no excuse of not having a topic in mind. Anyway, I hope you all have a great day or night, and remember to be yourself.

Lots of love,

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