Tuesday, January 28, 2014

It's not always greener on the other side

Hello! It's been a long time. I just want to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, even though we're in the last week of January. I've been away for some time, because I wanted to gather my thought and figure out a few things. One of them was an issue that I have with anxiety. I've been having trouble with nervousness since I was 14, when I could not for the life of me go to P.E., because for some unknown reason it terrified me. I remember those days when I would sit on the bathroom floor of my school and hope no one would realize I was gone. I would even call my grandmother to come pick me up. It was bad, really bad! It got to the point where the principal came to talk to me and tried to help me figure out a way to get rid of that sudden fear. Now, the reason I'm bringing up this subject is because those anxiety problems come and go every so often. And I absolutely hate it! When it comes to doing a chore, of trying something new, I know I can just push through and eventually it won't be a problem. But I have experienced getting anxiety from being around certain people. This is something that makes me feel bad, because it always ends up hurting the other person. You know, I have been dealing with this for so long, and what I have noticed is that if it doesn't go well, don't force it. I've had to give up friendships because of this. And even when I tried explaining it to someone, they wouldn't see it as a struggle but more as a selfish act. Since when is having a personal problem a selfish act? I didn't ask to have this, and I sure as hell wouldn't have picked for it if I had a choice. Okay, that sounds stupid. No one would choose to have anxiety. Basically, what I want to say is that everyone has their issues that they need to battle with. I wish there was a book that explained how to get rid of these issues, but there isn't. All we can do it ask for help from someone who has gone through it, and has found a way to manage it. About a week before I moved to Holland, I started having major anxiety attacks. They were so bad, I could barely eat, drink or sleep. I would constantly ask my mom if she would get angry if I chose not to go. And the face she would give crushed me. My mom told me about a woman who she visited several times when she was going through some troubles. This woman is someone I am thankful for. She taught me the tapping solution. It is a technique of tapping on certain areas of the hands, face and torso, to which you must repeat a sentence and the tension would be released through the tapping motion on these pressure points. It sounds kind of weird, and unrealistic to those who don't believe in holistic treatments. But it helped me a lot. She gave me a DVD to watch where they showed a group of people, each with their own problems (such as insomnia, loss of a loved one, or the pain from an accident). It impacted my life so much, and I started realizing that there is much more out there that can help people overcome their obstacles. I used the technique almost everyday, and eventually my anxiety lessened. I only get anxiety now when I have to deal with difficult decisions, or when I have to face something or someone that I haven't been very sure about. I can go on rambling, but all I want to say is that I know I'm not the only one. I follow several channels on Youtube, of beauty girls, and vloggers, and some of them have come out and shared their experience with anxiety. I have never been so happy to see that there are others, suffering from the same thing, and they struggle with it sometimes just as much as I do. Something else that I have learned is that I have to speak up when something isn't right. Unfortunately, I'm the type of person that closes up once something gets too personal or too complicated. I can't help it, it's almost like a reflex to me. When I get uncomfortable, I like to close myself off from everyone. It's like my own little way of protecting myself, but in fact it is only doing more harm. The sad thing is that I know all of this. I know it bad to shut down and act like it's fine, when I know it's not. I come from a family of worriers, and we care too much of how our words can affect the other person. So much so that we forget that we also need to care about ourselves. It's hard having to deal with it, and I admire the people in my life that push through and find a way to open up the bubble I put myself in. I have a great appreciation for them. Only a handful of people are capable of doing that. So many times, I have told myself that I am going to open up more towards people, and not be afraid of saying what is on my mind, but that shy and private side of me also seems to get the better half. It sucks, of course it does, and I have to fight through it. And that's why I wanted to open up right here about this. There are so many people out there who are too afraid to tell others about their anxiety problems, because of shame. We are all human, we all have our issues and our silly little secrets. No one said life would be easy, but what is a challenge if not hard. I don't have anything else to say, so I'm going to stop here. But before I leave you, I just want to say that shame is just a word, it's not something that you should let take over. After rain there is sunlight. Once you get over this, you'll feel the warmth shine on you. Just hang in there, and soon you'll notice that it will get better. Time heals everything.

Love & Strength,